Visiting the States Guide for Frenchies

I can't think of everything so please help me out...

If you want an American to understand you, you can't say:
"Take an aperatif" - its "HAVE an aperitf" 
"Take my shower" - its "take A shower". Otherwise an American will ask - Where are you taking it?

Direct translations that work:
Suck my dick  -   We use the phrase more often so feel free...

American to French that doesn't work:
Eat shit and die motherfucker! -  Even if they aren't motherfuckers you can use the term. It's the form that counts here not the accuracy ; )  Actually most motherfuckers are condemned to eternity in hell already but that's besides the point.
I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole - This means you haven't discovered Megadik, the best christmas herbal enhancement remedy to under-endowment.

French to American that doesn't work:
Va te faire enculer salope - This will definitely be taken as "I wouldn't fuck you" and won't have the same desired effect.